7:32 AM | Posted by
Cammi
Clover's LOL Birthday Party
1 year ago
Saturday, April 13, 2013
A lot of ramblings......
I've been so confused lately with all that's been going on. This year so far has brought some amazing and happy surprises and then on the other end of the spectrum it has brought the lowest of lows. I get stuck in between celebrating the amazing things I've been able to experience, and taking in some sad sad days.
In December, we found out Grammy J had a tumor. Doctors were confident that going in for initial surgery would be successful and they could remove it. They were not concerned about surgery with her even at (almost) 95 because she is so spry. So alive, so alert, so healthy. Healthier then me at 27 I swear. So it happened. And when they got into the surgery they found that the pictures of the tumor didn't do it justice. It was too dense for them to remove without causing Grammy extra bleeding and too many risks. So it stayed for now. On to radiation to try to shrink it. Radiation started end of January and went through most of February. She was lucky with no other side effects besides getting more tired. We celebrated her 95th birthday at end of January, about 5 weeks after her first surgery attempt. And she was exactly the same as she's always been. Laughing with us, joking, eating ice cream (her fave) and blowing out the candles on the cake with my little one. (Their birthdays are a day apart). It was a great day.
Toward the end of February Grammy had grown weak. She got stomach flu first which hindered her not eating. And if you know my Grammy you know she is only like 90 pounds soaking wet as it is. This lady can not afford to not eat. In fact Drs. told her halfway through radiation that she was too little and needed to gain. But then the flu hit and her appetite was gone. My Grammy did not eat solid food for about 4 weeks and passed away on March 14, 2013 at 95 years old. I got to spend her last time with her as I live just across the road from her. She could not get out of bed from about March 1st on. So I visited everyday without fail. I would lay with her and her mind was so intact. She could recall dates from the past, stories, talked to me about Zayah and Chase, asked questions. But she was so weak so the conversations were kept short as to not wear her out too much. I kissed her everyday. I held her hand everyday. Zayah gave her kisses as well. And Chase made it home from work the week before she passed so Grammy saw him one last time too. On the day she passed I had JUST made it in for my daily visit. She was staring at the ceiling, short breaths, and when I touched her arm and said hi, there was no acknowledgement this time. But I talked to her anyways, and kissed her on the cheek anyways. Her daughters needed to clean her up so I stepped out and sat on the couch waiting to go back in to visit. 2 minutes later, my Aunt came out to call Dad and tell him to get over there as Grammy had just passed.
That day and week was one of my lowest lows. Living so close to her for my adult life and getting to know her again, learning things from her, watching her, and celebrating with her was over.
But then the highs come in. I got to see all of my siblings, together at the same time in the same place. It was great! I can't even remember the last time all 6 of us were at the same thing. Actually 8 of us with Nikki and Channing, and we were all there! In the midst of the sadness, there were lots of laughs and stories and good times. This is where I get so confused as to how I can be so happy and have good times and then when I stop to think about missing Grammy I fall back to sadness and cry instantly.
Other highs this year have been Zayah turning 2 with a big celebration.
In February me and 2 of my sisters got tickets to the Ellen show. We only had standby tickets but made it into the live taping that day. It was the day after my birthday actually. And then at the end of the show she invited our whole audience back for 1 of the 12 Days of Giveaways Christmas Shows!!!! Is this for real? YES!!!! Who do you know that this happens too right? It was insane and amazing and I got to share it with family which is always my favorite.
Around Christmas we had family home too and Dads band had a reunion and played the Christmas Dance like they used to when I was little. It was amazing. Then I stopped to think and Grammy was in the hospital for surgery and recovery. And she spent Christmas Day in the hospital.
Do you see how up and down this year has been? Fun times, amazing life experiences turn to loss and sadness and grief. This post triggered when just a couple days ago I found out that the brother of one of my best friends down in the States had passed away from complications of Cystic Fibrosis. I have been trying to make plans and arrangements to make it to the funeral, but with careful consideration of our savings and expenses I decided it would be best to not go.
This post is probably confusing and I'm probably rambling, but this is exactly how thoughts play out in my head lately. It's hard and confusing. I moved out of Mtn View right after Grammy's funeral which was another hard transition. Leaving the familiar and also the home we brought Zayah home from the hospital to. And leaving just solidified that Grammy was gone and life would never be the same. Her house will be for sale this summer and it will be too expensive for Dad or us to purchase so we will watch our last bit of her be sold to someone, anyone, with no control.
Another high point. Thinking about Grammy meeting her sweetheart in Heaven. Oh that Reunion! I wish heaven had someone recording and we could watch clips sometimes. Grandpa had a wooden leg since the 1st year they were married and Grammy had been without him on earth for 10 years. I bet he ran to her. I picture him lifting her up and spinning her in circles. I hope they danced. All those things are long overdue. What a life.
Another exciting thing this year is that Chase and I are house hunting. Will I finally be a home owner this year? Crossing my fingers we find the best place for us!
Phew, I'm exhausted.
In December, we found out Grammy J had a tumor. Doctors were confident that going in for initial surgery would be successful and they could remove it. They were not concerned about surgery with her even at (almost) 95 because she is so spry. So alive, so alert, so healthy. Healthier then me at 27 I swear. So it happened. And when they got into the surgery they found that the pictures of the tumor didn't do it justice. It was too dense for them to remove without causing Grammy extra bleeding and too many risks. So it stayed for now. On to radiation to try to shrink it. Radiation started end of January and went through most of February. She was lucky with no other side effects besides getting more tired. We celebrated her 95th birthday at end of January, about 5 weeks after her first surgery attempt. And she was exactly the same as she's always been. Laughing with us, joking, eating ice cream (her fave) and blowing out the candles on the cake with my little one. (Their birthdays are a day apart). It was a great day.
Toward the end of February Grammy had grown weak. She got stomach flu first which hindered her not eating. And if you know my Grammy you know she is only like 90 pounds soaking wet as it is. This lady can not afford to not eat. In fact Drs. told her halfway through radiation that she was too little and needed to gain. But then the flu hit and her appetite was gone. My Grammy did not eat solid food for about 4 weeks and passed away on March 14, 2013 at 95 years old. I got to spend her last time with her as I live just across the road from her. She could not get out of bed from about March 1st on. So I visited everyday without fail. I would lay with her and her mind was so intact. She could recall dates from the past, stories, talked to me about Zayah and Chase, asked questions. But she was so weak so the conversations were kept short as to not wear her out too much. I kissed her everyday. I held her hand everyday. Zayah gave her kisses as well. And Chase made it home from work the week before she passed so Grammy saw him one last time too. On the day she passed I had JUST made it in for my daily visit. She was staring at the ceiling, short breaths, and when I touched her arm and said hi, there was no acknowledgement this time. But I talked to her anyways, and kissed her on the cheek anyways. Her daughters needed to clean her up so I stepped out and sat on the couch waiting to go back in to visit. 2 minutes later, my Aunt came out to call Dad and tell him to get over there as Grammy had just passed.
That day and week was one of my lowest lows. Living so close to her for my adult life and getting to know her again, learning things from her, watching her, and celebrating with her was over.
But then the highs come in. I got to see all of my siblings, together at the same time in the same place. It was great! I can't even remember the last time all 6 of us were at the same thing. Actually 8 of us with Nikki and Channing, and we were all there! In the midst of the sadness, there were lots of laughs and stories and good times. This is where I get so confused as to how I can be so happy and have good times and then when I stop to think about missing Grammy I fall back to sadness and cry instantly.
Other highs this year have been Zayah turning 2 with a big celebration.
In February me and 2 of my sisters got tickets to the Ellen show. We only had standby tickets but made it into the live taping that day. It was the day after my birthday actually. And then at the end of the show she invited our whole audience back for 1 of the 12 Days of Giveaways Christmas Shows!!!! Is this for real? YES!!!! Who do you know that this happens too right? It was insane and amazing and I got to share it with family which is always my favorite.
Around Christmas we had family home too and Dads band had a reunion and played the Christmas Dance like they used to when I was little. It was amazing. Then I stopped to think and Grammy was in the hospital for surgery and recovery. And she spent Christmas Day in the hospital.
Do you see how up and down this year has been? Fun times, amazing life experiences turn to loss and sadness and grief. This post triggered when just a couple days ago I found out that the brother of one of my best friends down in the States had passed away from complications of Cystic Fibrosis. I have been trying to make plans and arrangements to make it to the funeral, but with careful consideration of our savings and expenses I decided it would be best to not go.
This post is probably confusing and I'm probably rambling, but this is exactly how thoughts play out in my head lately. It's hard and confusing. I moved out of Mtn View right after Grammy's funeral which was another hard transition. Leaving the familiar and also the home we brought Zayah home from the hospital to. And leaving just solidified that Grammy was gone and life would never be the same. Her house will be for sale this summer and it will be too expensive for Dad or us to purchase so we will watch our last bit of her be sold to someone, anyone, with no control.
Another high point. Thinking about Grammy meeting her sweetheart in Heaven. Oh that Reunion! I wish heaven had someone recording and we could watch clips sometimes. Grandpa had a wooden leg since the 1st year they were married and Grammy had been without him on earth for 10 years. I bet he ran to her. I picture him lifting her up and spinning her in circles. I hope they danced. All those things are long overdue. What a life.
Another exciting thing this year is that Chase and I are house hunting. Will I finally be a home owner this year? Crossing my fingers we find the best place for us!
Phew, I'm exhausted.
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